Can't hit on you if you're already dead!
by Quackquill
Summary: Syaoran’s been kidnapped for witnessing a hit-and-run. With his hands, feet, and mouth tied up, the reek of fish, and the lack of oxygen in a trunk, it doesn’t help to know that the fattest girl he’s always hated is breathing on the back of his neck...egh
1. Chapter 1

**Can't hit on you if you're already dead!**

Summary:

Syaoran's been kidnapped for witnessing a hit-and-run. With his hands, feet, and mouth tied up, the reek of fish, and the lack of oxygen in a trunk, it doesn't help to know that the fattest girl he's always hated is breathing on the back of his neck. Eggghhh…

-

:so don't kill me even if I made your favorite character fat. Oh wait, second favorite character, cuz Syao's number one, right?:

* * *

"Get in there!"

"Eghh…"

That was the last glimpse of light and fresh air he had before everything turned fuzzily black.

Now he had opened his eyes and was staring at incredible darkness.

He felt strange.

There was some crusty stuff and liquid dribbling down his forehead and nose. He felt as though his eye had been punched out of its socket and that his blood circulation had been cut off from his hands and feet.

Wait, what were these tough ropes?

There was a loud screeching sound and he was suddenly jostled sideways.

"Gowch!" He heard.

Although his head had somewhat collided into something that felt like a ton of brick, he was sure he would have recognized his own voice.

He was pitched sideways again, this time colliding into something that felt like a ton of flesh.

"Gowch!" He heard again.

"Vwahz?" He asked.

"Gowch!" The voice confirmed.

"Vwo var vyou?"

"Emn?"

"Vwo. Var. Vyou??"

"Sackyouraw."

"Vwhat vah mell?"

And a series of garbled language continued.

He sniffed. Something stunk, and it wasn't just the rotten fish and onions now.

"Svwory."

Ugh. Holy cow that ton of flesh had to release the worst gas bomb on him now. Here! In this enclosed space with already a minimum amount of oxygen!

Wait a minute…this stink! This fart! Where did he know it?

Suddenly, the garbled "Sackyouraw" made sense.

Oh sweet Jesus, father of the holy son, holy trinity, the gaddamn infinitely infinite pouch of doraemon!  
It was Kinomoto Sakura.

The fattest, stinkiest, ugliest girl he knew since preschool.

And with all the precious breath he had saved from inhaling the stink he screamed…

* * *

its short. its stinky. its not what you expected. yay!! sakura has gained weight at last! now all us jealous syaorankunlovegirlfans can have him!

jk, im not a fan but ive recently been surrounded by some. someone said, "I wish sakura was freaking fat so syaoran wouldn't love her and he could be mine. _Mine_."

Which, I'm glad he's not, because he'd have to go through some bizarre fantasies of hers…well, that's what fanfics are for, right? gurgle.

urm, so yah, a random random random blurbiness I randomly thought of. prolly will never continue cuz its a stupid plot nobody will like. pfft, and is incredibly short. must go back to studying...


	2. Chapter 2

Can't hit on you if you're already dead!

Summary: Syaoran's been kidnapped for witnessing a hit-and-run. With his hands, feet, and mouth tied up, the reek of fish, and the lack of oxygen in a trunk, it doesn't help to know that the fattest girl he's always hated is breathing on the back of his neck. Eggghhh…

* * *

Friday Morning.

"Eh-hem." Sakura flattened out the sides of her skirt.

Gurgle…

The girls in the seating lines peered over to stare at her…

Sakura looked around, pretending to wonder where on earth that sound had come from…

Gurgle…

There was no helping it, she could see several of them starting to giggle.

She clutched her stomach defensively, gave a small pout and strutted to the nearest bathroom.

"Wah!" She yelped, swerving suddenly.

Now a chorus of laughter behind her…

Oh great, now they had just watched her swivel on her own high-heels and drop one of her hair extensions…

She grabbed it from the floor and heard a terrible rip…

"Lookie there, it's the San Andreas fault!" A roar of laughter…

Sakura pursed her lips and could almost feel her eyes watering, quickly, she covered her behind and limped into the restroom.

And now she could feel the aftereffects of a hangover…

Dizziness, stomach uneasiness… She ran to the toilet and started retching.

All this…right before an audition!

She rubbed her sides, it was so hard to breathe in this tight top and denim mini skirt.

Why had it looked so good on the model in the stores? The girl there had promised it would look just fine on her…

A pox on all those stores people, and all those silly girls back there with bleached hair, a rainstorm of dangling jewelry, and skinny, lean, toothpick bodies that…that…that was the dream of every girl.

She wiped her mouth and sighed.

Not that she cared really.

She looked up at the mirror and began redoing her mascara. She dug for mints in her purse and a bottle of hangover medicine.

She took a quick glance at her watch and gasped.

"Holy…!" She darted out of the bathroom and wobbled her way to the large twin doors where the line of girls led up to.

The guards blocked the entrance.

"Sorry, you see, I was up next but I…"

"No can do, can't let anyone in."

"But I…"

"It's a no. Fatt-o. Hahahah—Ooof!"

-

"Ta-da!" The girl finished with open arms, panting heavily.

The judges jot down a few notes and waved their hand, "So who's next…"

"The next person wasn't there so next we have—"

The doors flung open.

"No!" Sakura screamed, "I'm here!"

She rushed before the judges and bowed, "I was in the bathroom, but I'm okay! I can do it!"

"Uhm, okay then. We'll see what you've got." The judges shrugged.

Sakura beamed, "Thank you. Eh-hem."

"Oh wait, but first, how much do you weigh?" The first judge asked, tapping his clipboard.

Sakura froze.

"W…w…weigh?"

"You heard me."

"Around…well, nothing much…you know…" Her brain was raking for the most plausible and acceptable number…

"Just around 100 pounds, nothing much." She concluded, trying to sound casual and ordinary and believable…just believe that he asked you how many ice cream bars you wanted. No, not ice cream bars. Non-fat, sugar-free, 100-calories ice cream bars…healthy and regular and…

"You're lying." The judge began cracking up, and the rest of them joined him.

Sakura stood with her jaw open.

"Uhm, maybe by a few pounds. But what does it matter! I didn't come here for a physical test!" She could feel her face turning pink.

"Right. Okay, fine. Just do your thing." He waved his hand, but couldn't erase the amused, wicked grin on his face.

Sakura frowned at him, but then took in a deep breath…

-

"So. How was I?" Sakura looked expectantly at the judges.

"Yah, uhm, we don't take girls with exposed bottoms. Just so you know." He grinned, pointing at her ripped skirt.

Sakura gasped and covered it. Then hung her head and left.

She could hear the judges shouting, "Next!"

A slim, blonde-dyed girl walked gracefully past her and entered the room.

The doors shut but she could still hear that stinky judge say…

"Thank god, I was afraid that fat woman was going to eat me right there."

And then the mock laughter…

-

"It didn't come out the way I practiced…" Sakura sighed.

She walked across the street.

"Oof!" She yelped, then spun around, scanning the crowd, "Who the hell touched my butt!"

Everyone looked at her strangely.

"Like anyone would want to touch your butt in the first place."

Sakura ground her teeth and pushed on.

-

"What are you doing, wearing such clothes?" The lady wrinkled her nose.

"Shut up, Ruka, none of your business." Sakura sat down on the chair.

"You'd better get changed, I don't think anyone wants to shop here with a hooker as the cashier."

"I said shut up." Sakura groaned.

"Anyways, I'll bring you some spare clothes." She left.

Ruka was the owner of the video and beer store.

It wasn't like Sakura got much of a salary from working there, but it was the only job she had.

And Ruka was basically the closest person she had.

-

Syaoran rubbed his forehead in amusement.

That audition had been really amusing.

He glanced at the reflection from a shop window, admiring his new sunglasses.

Like anyone could have recognized him in these, thank god.

Oh snap.

There was the face of the hideous…

"You!" The door burst open.

"What's this? Godzilla's mother?" Syaoran roared in laughter.

But once her clammy hands were around his neck, he wasn't laughing anymore.

"Let me go you ugly…"

"You humiliated me! You destroyed my chances!" Sakura snarled.

"Look, it wasn't like you were any good anyways…"

"What was that?"

"Egh…I mean, I actually saved you from…"

"How about now?"

"Ouch ouch, okay okay, stop stop stop!"

"Sakura! What are you doing?" Ruka shrieked.

Sakura dropped him.

"I just let you off easy." Sakura growled.

Syaoran readjusted his collar and chuckled, "Right. You need a shower. B.O. queen."

"You'd better get out of my sight!" Sakura raised a fist.

"I came to return a video, chill." He rolled his eyes, then smiled at Ruka, "I think someone has anger issues."

Ruka giggled, "Don't mind her. Do you need a discount?"

"Maybe."

The door jingled as he entered.

"Garrrrwwwhhh!" Sakura made some strangling noises…

* * *

The time frame is really strange for this story, you'll have to understand that it skips back and forth from the past and then the present and then the past etc. so this is before the prologue happened. uhm, if that makes any sense.

nvm, this chapter is more Sakura based. haha. and its all just randomness to relieve stress. so dont blame me if you hate how i make sakura fat. because sometimes ppl need to be fat for once. i mean, she cant be all pretty and popular forever. kukuku, time to give her the rough side of life...

no worries, fat ppl can still be pretty. in their own way.

its fun to write these. its all just random stuff. whee!!


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